One year scans are scheduled for 8/28. Official 1year oncology follow up is 9/10. I’d be lying to say I’m not worried that those are bad news days. The fear of recurrence runs deep.
I am starting to cone out of my fetal position of trauma and fear. I can’t say that I’ve reflected and processed, but I do feel like I can put myself out in the world a bit more.
Visiting family in Atlanta, especially my brothers, was a much needed tank refueling. I love them and their little families so much, and I wish we could be with them more often. It’s always good have the warm embrace of my in-laws as well. Seeing my kids connect with their cousins no matter how long it’s been since the last time they’ve seen them is precious.
Both of my kids have shown incredible growth this summer, both physically and emotionally. Clevercolette is finding her place in this world and learning how she is going to make her mark. Cleverlildevil has been learning that the world doesn’t have to feel so scary outside of his room and away from his digital safety nets. Also, I think they’ve each grown 2inches over the summer!
The day we returned from ATL we took a quick rest, then we headed to the Hollywood Bowl for Jesus Christmas Superstar. That was an experience I won’t forget. The talent was unbelievable. Cynthia Erivo did her thing blowing people away with her range and emotional performance. Adam Lambert enthralled me with his rock n’ roll soul. Raul Esparza, Brian Crum, and Zachary James were new to me, but they totally inspired me to find them on social media to follow their careers. Milo Mannheim is steaming ahead in his stage career, and he definitely has the chops to make his mark. Josh Gad lifted the crowd with his comedic choices. And for me, Phillipa Soo was the one who still stirs a familiar emotion. Her voice as Mary just makes me safe and loved. I could fall asleep to her singing me lullabies. I doubt it’s on the horizon but I’d adore a cast album of this performance. One thing I’m certain of: I don’t need or desire to see any other production of Jesus Christ Superstar.
I find myself seeking music and musicals to help me access my emotions. Our calendar is full of concerts and shows this Fall. Wasia Project, Conan Gray, Chappell Roan, Age of Madness, Hadestown, Moulin Rouge, and more.
And then comes the anxiety and pessimism assuming the other shoe is going to drop. It’s scary to make plans for the future when you know cancer could be lurking. Alas, I must have peace in knowing that the monitoring protocol should raise flags before anything progresses too far.
If we’re talking about love-hate relationships…the bummer of the summer has been cleverdevil’s travel schedule. I’m happy that he is enjoying his work and being validated in what he brings to the business world, but we miss him when he’s gone. You’d think by now, some 21 years later, I’d be used to him traveling. But I still have a hard time sleeping when he’s gone, and it’s not bc my kids try to come take over our bed. I’m not a sad, useless lump when he travels, but I definitely feel like I’m missing my rock.
All in all, it’s been a good summer. It went by too quickly. One kid starting high school and the other starting middle school is a bit jarring for this mama’s heart, but I’m proud of them. They’re ready for their next steps, even if I’m not ready for mine.
Onward.