It’s Cycle 5 of 12, and I’m feeling kind of over all of this. It’s been a hard week for me mentally.

I wish I could enjoy food even in the slightest way. I’ve tried lots of options. You know it’s bad when you can’t taste any salty chips. Things I’ve not tasted this week: 5 Cheetos, Chicken broth, Chicken pot pie, peanut butter toast, a corned beef Reuben, multiple other types of chips, beef jerky, pistachios, chocolate.

Things I can taste slightly: Cheese, york peppermint patties, starburst, and slim Jim.

I wish water didn’t feel like slime in my mouth.

I wish I could have a large cold drink.

I wish my arms and legs didn’t feel like pins and needles for 4 days straight.

I wish it didn’t hurt to breathe air in through my nose.

I wish I felt like I could take a walk.

I wish I could concentrate for more than 15min at a time.

I wish I didn’t have to worry about complicating my treatment due to potential germs from family and visitors.

I wish my Day 3 and 4 weren’t so disconcerting. I can barely keep one eye open most of the day. I don’t usually eat. The sleep I get is a twilight sleep with lots of confusing dreams. I worry in those moments that my brain won’t come back fully online. Those are my worst days.

So it seems with the halfway point comes more dread and exhaustion from the process. I feel like a wimp bc people stay on chemo for maintenance, and I only have 6months of this. I feel like a wimp bc there are many others who have these symptoms related to other chronic illnesses, but those illnesses don’t have a timeframe. Let’s not even talk about Gaza when comparing my trials and tribulations… I know, I shouldn’t compare. It’s my personal journey that has its own nuances and personal factors, but I feel like I should be handling this a bit better. Alas, I am me. I push when I can but also am trying to value the rest, as uncomfortable as the rest may be.


And I should add, I am grateful for all the people who encourage me and just sit with me. I am grateful for my in-laws being able to come and provide much needed comfort and support. I am grateful for Jonathan’s job flexibility and for the kids’ school flexibility. Honestly, the things I’m grateful for are the only things getting me through, but I’m also not willing to wear rose colored glasses throughout this process. So, yes I am having a rough go this week, and I am also grateful to be grateful. (And now I hate the way that word sounds 😂)