I haven’t felt great today, and it’s partly due to chemo effects and it’s partly due to other things. I woke up today to my blood test results that I have to get just before each chemo cycle. They weren’t alarming, but they weren’t good. White blood cell count and platelets look good. Hemoglobin, hematocrit, MCH, and MCHC low. I was feeling anxious about these results, and I was considering calling the on-call nurses to ease my anxiety, but I decided to let it go. I started to spiral a bit with thoughts of, “Does this mean they will delay chemo this week? Will I have to get a blood transfusion? Are they going to pre-medicate me with something so my levels don’t drop more this week? How terrible am I going to feel if the levels drop lower?” The most worrisome thoughts were about chemo infusion delay and how much worse I will feel with my levels having dropped. I looked at trends, and when you see my trends for those low levels, the drastic drop is a bit unsettling(photo below of the drops). So yeah, the fatigue and dizziness can be explained by the bloodwork. However, I also have been off one of my usual medications for 3 days. I’ve lapsed that much before, and I can always feel it. My head feels heavy and light at the same time. Thankfully, we were able to make sure I got my medication replaced, so that shouldn’t be compounding the problem anymore.

I have my chemo bag packed. My lidocaine is set out for the morning. I made sure I have enough Zofran to get me through the next week. I set out my pump day clothes. I set out the Clorox wipes for the toilet to prevent family chemo exposure. I set up my chemo cart that sits next to my recliner. It’s full of supportive items like gloves, warming boots, meds, creams, tissues, and mints. I had ice cream tonight since cold will by my nemesis for the next week. I did all of these things with a sense of comfort that at least I have an idea of what is coming now and a sense of dread that I know what is coming now.

No, I don’t want to go to my infusion tomorrow. No, I don’t want it to get delayed. In a culture that tends to love binaries and as someone who has only relatively recently learned to question those binaries, this is definitely an exercise in my ability to hold seemingly opposite feelings (and of course all the others along the spectrum)at the same time.

As I write this, I think there is a part of me that doesn’t want to settle into bed, because I have a general idea of what tomorrow brings. And I’m just human enough to think that if I don’t fall asleep, tomorrow doesn’t come. Alas, I’m also aware enough to know that I actually do need to sleep. The past 4 nights of falling asleep between 3am and 5am are not doing me any favors.

So, goodnight.


Oh, I also keep putting off sharing that we got our Rivian on Saturday. I am happy, and I am grateful. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to since December 2021. And, the ability for my emotions to match my level of excitement seems to be hampered at the moment. I’ve been in a really neutral state since the beginning of most of this cancer journey, but definitely more so since cycle 1. There is a sense of emotional numbness that can sometimes have breakthroughs of ups and downs, but generally, I think my masterful ability to repress is engaged currently. It doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about how I feel and that I’m not feeling, but for some reason my body is not reacting to those feelings, if that makes any sense. Anyway, things unfolded such that we took delivery of our Rivian this weekend. His name is Loki, and he is beautiful.