You wouldn’t think it possible, but sometimes I forget I have cancer with upcoming treatment. It’s been just long enough for my recovery not to be a constant reminder of recent surgery which in turn is an obvious reminder of my current plight. Then, well then, my brain says, “oh were you enjoying this moment? Well let me help you. Remember you have cancer. You don’t know what that means for your future. Perhaps you should dwell on that for a bit.” Then my heart starts to race, my stomach drops, and I decide whether I want to entertain the thoughts and for how long.
I have the feeling this will become a common occurrence post-chemo. With the assumption that I will be declared no sign of disease or disease-free in 3-6months, I will have the possibility of recurrence looming. I’ll have routine scans to ramp all those thoughts back up as well. I hate that sometimes I have peace about all outcomes that I’ve considered and other times I face depression and panic about those same possibilities. It would be nice to just settle on the peace feeling, but dammit, I have to be a human that has complicated feelings and experiences.